Dark 'n' Twisted (etc.) Bars

Noc Noc

There are very few bars where I can’t put my finger on the theme. Noc Noc and Lucky 13 start their own category called “Dark ‘n’ Twisted (etc.)” theme. Lower Haight’s Noc Noc only serves beer, cider, sake, and variations of mixes between these three choices. The ambiance is the coolest part of this bar. It’s basically a cave with a Tim Burton-esque feel to it. Drinks vary between $5-$9, which is great for the area. Residing on Haight and Filmore, Noc Noc brings all the hipsters out and about on a Friday night. There is some seating, but if you have a group of 6 or more the likelihood of finding seats is slim.

Not a bad walk from Noc Noc is another dark themed bar that I love, but can’t quite figure out. Lucky 13 is a dive bar in Church/Castro on Market and Church. The décor consists of a giant black cat featuring their name. The music is always hard-core, but the bartenders are as sweet as they come. There is a long bar with seating, tables, and a nicely-sized patio. I always opt for patio seating unless it’s too cold to be outside. The theme isn’t as prominent as Noc Noc, but makes up for it with their dog-friendly policies and snacks like popcorn and goldfish. 

Lucky 13

Pirate Bar

Smuggler's Cove

Ahoy, Matey! The coolest themed bar I have been to thus far is Smuggler’s Cove. Residing in the Fillmore, this pirate-themed bar is a nice trip out of the city for a while. Technically, Smuggler’s Cove is a three-layer building; if you go after a long day at work it feels much smaller than that. It gets crowded and quick so I don’t suggest you go with a big group if you’re trying to find seating. Their drinks are delicious. Averaging at around $13 per drink, they have great concoctions with fun, pirate-y names. The last drink I got there was a tequila-base, and the bartender made the drink so strong it was almost undrinkable. However, it was appreciated towards the end of the night. The bar residing on McAllister and Ash is worth the trip every once in a while, but there isn’t much around so bar hopping is out of the question.

Tiki Bars

Scorpion Bowl from Trad'r Sam

“Hooray! Hawaiian shirts galore,” says no one ever. Whether you’re in the outskirts of the Richmond district or around the Outer Sunset, local S.F. tiki bars are always a good time with a big group of friends. Tiki Bars are a great place to be able to talk and hear other people while drinking punch bowls full of alcohol and fruit with your closest of acquaintances. 

Trad’r Sam (25^th and Geary) is by far my favorite Tiki bar in San Francisco, but Tiki Haven (Noriega and 20^th) comes in a close second. Both bars are decorated and are true to the theme. My only concern with them is their proximity to Ocean Beach. It is usually always freezing around these bars at night. The thought of drinking a scorpion bowl at 50 degrees Fahrenheit is a struggle, but in the end it must be done. 

Tiki Haven

Unlike the hipster scene in the Mission or Lower Haight , nobody cares how you’re dressed. Both of these neighborhoods aren’t judgmental in the least. With that being said, don’t wear a Hawaiian shirt. If not for anyone else, do it on my behalf. Single drinks cost around $7, while (punch) bowls double that in price. It’s always a good choice to spring for the obscene amount of blended goodness. You’re welcome.

White Trash Bar

It’s important to be an upstanding citizen and give back to the community. But sometimes, it’s just so nice to kick back with a Bitchin’ Camaro (92 Proof Sailor Jerry spiced rum & Dr. Pepper), a wife-beater t-shirt, and some tater tots. Butter is truly a blessing in disguise as a heart attack waiting to happen. 

With a variety of fried foods like Deep-fried Twinkies and Sphagettios, ranging from $1-$5, you get the entire bang for your buck. The food is cooked and served in the back of the bar in a food truck looking kitchen. Their “specialty” cocktails are concoctions of cheap alcohol with some form(s) of sugar served in a mason jar.

The staff sticks to the white trash theme well. The last time I went there, the cook was so drunk that he took the orders of 4 people and forgot to make any of the food. You can’t be mad though. It’s the experience that makes this place worth coming to.

When leaving this SOMA residence, I felt, for lack of a better term, absolutely disgusting. I was covered in different sugary substances, full off of fried and processed fats, and in need of some urban city living. ‘Murica has taken the best of me once again.